In Loving Memory
by elspeth725
Summary: A look at Kaoru's grief... (K&K angst)


Standard disclaimers apply.  
  
Enjoy!  
  
  
  
1 All alone staring on  
  
2 Watching her life go by  
  
3 When her days are gray  
  
4 And her nights are black  
  
5 Different shades of mundane  
  
6 And the bright eyed cheerful boy  
  
7 That lies upon the bed  
  
8 Has often heard her whisper out a name  
  
Long forgiven but not forgotten  
  
The Corrs  
  
Forgiven not Forgotten  
  
  
  
The sound of my footsteps echo in the quiet morning as I walked solemnly through the empty streets of Tokyo. It was eerily silent yet I was strangely at peace.  
  
Every day I walk through the same streets towards the same destination. It oddly comforts me as I walk in the dim light of false dawn. This is a part of me now. A course treaded everyday for the last 3 years, well known and accepted.  
  
********************  
  
The ebony haired young woman looked out the train window as it sped farther away from Kyoto. Her melancholy mood was evident in her deep blue eyes as she stared out to the trees unseeingly.  
  
Without taking her attention from the window, she suddenly said to the red- haired man sitting beside her. "You must miss her."  
  
"Oro?!" he replied.  
  
"Her. I said you must miss her," she repeated, turning to face him.  
  
"Doushite, Kaoru-dono?" he asked, looking earnestly into her eyes.  
  
"It's just…" she started, then shook her head and turned her attention back towards the window. "Iie. It's nothing Kenshin," she sighed.  
  
Concern flickered in his violet eyes. He took her hand in his. "Daijoubu ka?" He asked.  
  
Surprised blue eyes glanced briefly at their joined hands, before meeting his concerned gaze, a small smile playing on her lips. "Aa."  
  
An answering smile grazed his lips.  
  
"I'm glad," he said, tightening his hold on her hand.  
  
***************  
  
This is my solace.  
  
The one thing that brings me close to you. They never understood that. They can't see how much I need this to live. This is one of the last few links I have with you and I refuse to let it go. And no matter how raw the pain. I need this.  
  
***************  
  
"San-ju! San-ju-ichi! San-ju-ni! San-ju-san!" Kaoru counted out loud in time with the swings of her shinai.  
  
It was quiet today. Yahiko left for the Akabeko hours ago, Sano went with him to see if he could mooch a meal from Tae-san. And Kenshin has been in Yokohama for several weeks now as a favor to chief Uramura.  
  
Kaoru paused from her practice to wipe the sweat that trickled down her cheek. Taking a few deep breaths, she poised her shinai to start once more.  
  
"Tadaima de gozaru."  
  
She whirled around to face Kenshin. "Anata!" she cried, running towards him.  
  
"Kaoru-koishii," he countered, chuckling.  
  
"Okaeri nasai, Anata," she said. "Daijoubu ka? Did everything go well?" she asked eagerly.  
  
"Hai," he replied as they walked towards the house. "Everything went well."  
  
"Mou Kenshin! You should have let me come with you!" Kaoru persisted. "I was worried!"  
  
"Maa Maa. You know what Megumi-dono said, Kaoru-koishii," he said placatingly. "It's not good for the chibi to travel." He caressed her middle affectionately.  
  
"MOU!"  
  
"Yare yare," he said, reaching into his sleeves. He brought out a box wrapped in colored rice paper.  
  
Her eyes lit up at the sight of the familiar box. "Chocolates?"  
  
"Aa"  
  
"Honto ni?"  
  
He nodded handing her the brightly colored package,  
  
"Arigatou!!!" she cried as she launched herself into his arms.  
  
"Orrrrrooooo!!!  
  
***************  
  
Shivering as the crisp morning breeze touched my skin, I turned off the road to pass between two trees that marked the nearness of my goal. I weave my way through a well-worn path towards the river. The river reminds me of Kenji. He has grown, beloved. Ever-changing yet steady and dependable. You would be so proud of him.  
  
***************  
  
" 'Kaasan! 'Kaasan!" 4-year-old Kenji cried, running towards Kaoru with Kenshin trailing after him frantically.  
  
'Looks like he inherited his father's god like speed.' She thought as she watched them run on the riverbank. It had been a beautiful day and they decided to spend it by the riverside. Finally, Kenshin caught up to Kenji and swept the laughing boy in his arms. "Nani Kenji-chan?"  
  
"Not chan!!!" He answered, pouting. He sounded so much like Yahiko that it was frightening.  
  
"Aa, Kenji is not a chan, Kaoru-koishii," Kenshin added, his laughing violet eyes meeting hers above Kenji's red head.  
  
"Sou ka?" she replied biting back an amused chuckle as Kenshin sat down beside her on the grass. "Nani Kenji-SAN?"  
  
Kenji nodded approvingly. "Ne 'Kaasan, its like Tousan's and my eyes'!!!" He said enthusiastically, holding out his hand towards her. In his palm was a small, deep violet crystal. "We saw it over there!" He pointed further down the river.  
  
"Aa Kenji, it is beautiful," she replied taking the small stone from him.  
  
"Ya can have it to remember us!!!" he declared proudly.  
  
"Arigatou Kenji….MOU!!!" she gasped, clutching at her swollen stomach. Kenshin reached out to pat her stomach soothingly with his free hand.  
  
"Daijoubu kaasan?"  
  
Kaoru glanced up to find 2 pairs of concerned violet eyes watching her carefully. She chuckled softly. 'Like father like son.' "Aa, your imouto or ototo just wanted to join our fun."  
  
A pair of eyes widened and small hands reached out to join his father's hands in patting her stomach gently. "Daijoubu, chibi. Daijoubu. I'll take care of you when you come. I'll be the best 'niki ever!!! He declared.  
  
Kaoru felt moisture filling up her eyes as she sought her husband's eyes, which were as proud as her own.  
  
  
  
***************  
  
I walked down the river until a reached the log where we always sat. Near it was a small marker on the ground surrounded by small, round stones and a cluster of fragrant white flowers. I knelt down in front of it and reached out to trace the smooth gray surface of the stone marker.  
  
***************  
  
Kaoru slid the shoji shut quietly as she stepped out of the room. "Kami- sama…" She whispered as she leaned against the wall tears coursing down her cheeks. "Please Kami-sama…please."  
  
" 'touchan daijoubu???" a small, frightened voice asked behind her.  
  
Kaoru turned to find the wide frightened blue eyes of her four-year-old daughter, Yume, staring at her.  
  
"Ne 'kachan? Ne 'niki?" she persisted, turning to Kenji who stood besides her. Kenji turned worried violet eyes towards Kaoru asking her without words the same question.  
  
Kaoru wiped the traces of her tears from her cheeks with her sleeve and gave her children a watery smile. "Aa. Otousan is just fine, chibi," she replied she kneeling down to give her daughter a small hug. "He just needs a little rest. So you go with Kenji-niichan to the dojo to play there, ok?" she said, smoothing down a strand of Yume's ebony hair. She turned to look at Kenji who nodded solemnly. "Otousan needs a little quiet, ne?"  
  
"Hai," Yume answered, giving her mother a lopsided smile as Kenji took her hand and led her away.  
  
Fresh tears coursed down Kaoru's check as she knelt there staring after her children unseeingly.  
  
"Kaoru-chan…" A deep, feminine voice said behind her.  
  
"Megumi-san…." Kaoru said, scrambling to her feet. "Is he ok? What's wrong?"  
  
"He's sick, very sick. When did his fever start?" Megumi asked, worry clouding her tired eyes.  
  
"I don't… I don't know…."  
  
"What do you mean you don't know?!! He didn't tell you?!" Megumi snapped.  
  
"I don't…He…he doesn't want me to worry."  
  
***************  
  
My calloused fingers slowly traced the name etched on the smooth surface. A name etched in my life and in my heart. Tears fall down my cheeks unbidden. You're gone! It's just not fair! Anata….  
  
***************  
  
Kaoru found herself running home.  
  
She went to the market to buy some food when something in the air told her that something was wrong. The feeling intensified until she found herself running.  
  
She rushed past the gate and was met by Megumi and Yahiko by the door. Something in their eyes told her.  
  
"No." She said, denying what she saw in their eyes.  
  
"He's not…" Megumi started, shaking her head slowly. "But he's worse I don't think…."  
  
"NO!!!!" Kaoru cried, pushing past them to run towards the room. She slid open the shoji abruptly. Tears poured down her cheeks as she walked towards the futon at the center of the room.  
  
"Kaoru??" A weak voice asked. The thin figure on the futon tried to sit up and sank back down when it proved to be too much.  
  
"Kenshin…" she whispered brokenly, as she knelt be his side. He looked so different now. It was hard to believe that this was battoussai. He looked tired and so very weak. Gently taking his hand into her own, she laid down beside him.  
  
"Kaoru-koishii…." he whispered, looking into her eyes.  
  
"No…don't….onegai , anata… I need you, WE NEED YOU!" she sobbed, clutching at his hand. "I can't do this please. Don't leave."  
  
"You'll be ok, you're strong, stronger than me. You've been my strength all this time," he said, caressing her face with a frail hand. "Don't cry, koishii. You'll be fine, everything will be fine. Tell them I love them for me."  
  
She nodded, unable to get words past the tears and fear that held her in its grasp.  
  
"So beautiful…." he whispered, wiping away her tears with shaking fingers. "Such brightness and innocence. Love, you gave me my redemption. You brought me peace. Aishiteru, Kaoru."  
  
"No! Kenshin… please don't leave me." She pleaded. "I can't do this without you. Please don't go."  
  
"I… I know I have to go demo… demo I don't want to leave you yet." He rasped, gazing into her eyes. "But I don't think…."  
  
"Don't say that!" she interrupted him, clutching at his hand desperately. "You'll be fine, you'll see. Then, we'll always be together! Don't leave me please…."  
  
"Don't worry, everything will be alright. Aishiteru, Kaoru, more than everything in this life."  
  
She knew. "Aishiteru, anata. Always." she whispered, slowly leaned over and placed her lips against his. "Aishiteru."  
  
And with a small grateful smile, his eyes closed.  
  
***************  
  
I cry harder.  
  
It was so hard, so very hard. Why did you leave me? I needed you…I need you.  
  
I felt my hands chafe as my grip against the stone marker tightened. It gets more difficult each day. There are times when I wish I could be there with you.  
  
But you wouldn't have wanted that.  
  
You have shown me how it is to be strong. And I will be strong, for every moment I spent with you gives me strength. I will not forget what your life meant.  
  
I will be strong.  
  
Kenshin…. Anata…. Aishiteru…. I won't forget.  
  
  
  
A bleeding heart torn apart  
  
Left on an icy grave  
  
In the room where they once lay  
  
8.1 Face to face  
  
And nothing could get in their way  
  
But now the memories of a man  
  
Are haunting her days  
  
And the craving never fades  
  
She's still dreaming of a man  
  
Long forgiven, but not forgotten  
  
You're not forgotten  
  
No you're not forgotten  
  
  
  
The Corrs  
  
Forgiven not Forgotten  
  
  
  
Author's notes:  
  
Blech! That was bad. Gomen nasai, that was my first death fic and it's horrible, I know.  
  
I still can't believe I wrote something where Kenshin died! Waaaaaahhhh!! Onegai forgive me Kaoru!!! :: Sniff, sniff::  
  
This was inspired by fic I read once before on a different fandom. Actually I thought of the plot and concept before I read the fic but I trashed the idea because it isn't what usually what I write but then I read the fic and everything clicked. I forgot the title and the author but… nameless great one…..arigatou.  
  
I hope that wasn't too sappy. I'm not really satisfied with the way this turned out. I dunno I just feel like there's something off with this fic. Please if you find anything wrong tell me.  
  
Thanks to Kethry & Kawaii-san who proofread for me. Arigatou gozaimasta you guys!  
  
C&C….onegai…. ::gets down on knees:: Onegai….  
  
Ja!  
  
elspeth 


End file.
